How do I know I married my soul mate?

I am going to be open and honest here with ya girl. I’ve asked myself this question a lot the past couple of days. Have you ever wondered this on some level? Do you sometimes wonder if there is someone out there that is more suited for you? Someone who gets you a little more. Someone who knows how to speak and talk to you with gentleness or someone who knows just what to say to make you feel better? Maybe I’m alone here but the divorce rate in our country tells me otherwise (actually the divorce rate has gone down only because no one is getting married, but still you catch my drift). Will you let me chit chat a little bit on this? Hold on real quick, I need to get my soap box. 😉

Ignorance is bliss

When we first get married, we are so ignorant. At least I was. We expect that our first year of marriage will be filled with romance, amazing sex, passion, travel, and all the things we have dreamed about since we planned Barbie’s wedding. I bet your smiling cause you know this was totally you! We didn’t know we would have to make time for romance or realize how tired we would be when it was sexy time. Those first years we work through how to fight, how to love, how to live together, how to do finances together, and basically, how to do everything with someone else. Selflessness is not a fun lesson to learn, but it is the most freeing. As time goes on, we start to see some really ugly things in our husbands. Things we either overlooked before or simply did not know existed. It’s in these moments the enemy works his magic. His subtle lies begin to merge with our view of our husband and it gets real ugly. Some of these things are scary. After all, you are supposed to submit to him, right? How can you submit when he did -fill in the blank? We start to become controlling, critical, and worrisome. What are we supposed to do?

First things first

Oh, my dear, sweet sister. I am so glad you asked. I also am so glad you are reading along. This is something we don’t talk about enough. I want you to know that you are not alone, your marriage isn’t ruined, and you did marry your soul mate. Pastor and author Matt Chandler says it best, “I know my wife is my soul mate because she is my wife.” (Check out the Village Church for more on Matt)

I want to insert here that if you are in a marriage with mental, sexual, or physical abuse, seek help immediately. This article does not apply to abusive husbands. Talk to someone at your local church or a loved one you trust. Abuse is NOT okay.

Let’s talk marriage goals

Marriage is a representation of Christ’s sacrificial love for us. Christ sees yours and my deepest, darkest parts. He knows the lies we’ve told, the terrible things we have thought, said, and done, and knows that we have a major issue with control. However, Christ continuously loves and pursues us. This is our marriage goal, to love like Christ. We can’t do this without His grace and it comes in abundance. There is so much freedom in this. Freedom for you to fail as as a wife and better yet, freedom for your husband to fail. Your husband’s mess isn’t too big for Jesus!

Let’s mention here that this does not discredit your husband’s sin. However, there is much freedom in knowing that your are not your husband’s Holy Spirit (let’s get matching tattoos of this please). This should give us a sigh of relief. Often times I find myself trying to do work that I simply cannot do because I am not Jesus! He knows we cannot love like He does perfectly, but he sets the goal and a model for us to follow. Your job is to represent Christ in your marriage, but that does NOT mean you are a door mat. Submission is not about having no voice or opinion.

Take a breath

Let’s take a breath real quick. Here are a few truths I want to speak to you and your marriage before we continue.

First, there are many women who struggle with these thoughts. We women struggle with comparison and perfectionism. Because of this, it’s hard to open up about ugly stuff like this because we don’t want anyone to know we don’t have it together. Nobody does, despite what social media says!

Second, you are accountable for you and only you, not your husband. Like I mentioned before, you are not his Holy Spirit so breathe, let it go, and pray fervently for him (1 John 5:14, Colossians 4:2, Philippians 4:6). There is so much freedom in realizing God does the work. We must constantly remind ourselves of this (like for real, I’m down for that tattoo).

Next, you are at battle, but not with your husband (despite what it may feel like at times). Your husband is NOT the enemy here. Satan is. Let’s also remember that our husbands might have feelings of inadequacy, pressure, and fear. He needs your grace as much as you need his.

Last, your job is to respect your husband and love like Jesus loves (Ephesians 5:33, John 13:34). Jesus has set a model for you to follow, but has also given you so much grace to learn and grow. It’s okay to fail. The biggest part of being a Christian is knowing that it’s not if you will fail it’s when. How we respond to our failure is so important. That’s why his grace is so precious. WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT! WOOHOO!

That’s great, but why is this so hard?

Ah, yes. Why is this so hard? Well it is because there is an attack on you and your marriage (John 10:10, 1 Peter 5:8, . Your flesh (or selfishness), the world, and the enemy are whispering lies to you (Ephesians 2:3, Romans 5:12, and John 8:4). They are all saying that your marriage is about you and your husband is the enemy. But don’t be discouraged, He has overcome the world (John 16:33) and we have power by way of the Holy Spirit in us (2 Timothy 1:7).

Let’s talk about that dern satan

Your marriage is to model to the world the gospel of Jesus Christ. When people look at your marriage they should see two messed up people, who, for some crazy reason, don’t give up on each other. This freaks satan out! He doesn’t want the world to know truth. He wants people to live in their depression, hurt, and pain filling themselves with things that only leave them dissatisfied. Your marriage is a testimony to the world. That scares him!

Satan not only wants to destroy your marriage, but to destroy you, your husband, your children, their children, and so on. Your job as a wife impacts years and years from now! Stop and think of that. You are a rockstar, wifey! Britney Spears ain’t got nothin’ on you!

The enemy doesn’t want you to be rooted in truth. He doesn’t want you to be secure in the cross and model unconditional love to your husband. He has declared war over you, your marriage, and your family. Pick up your weapons and let’s fight!

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Preparing for battle

How do we fight these lies we hear. Regardless of where they are coming from, we are filled and bombarded with lies. We must prepare to fight. We must pray over our lives and be rooted in scripture. Ephesians 6:12 says, “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” We must equip ourselves.

Prayer is the most underrated tool in the Christian community. It has become synonymous with saying, “We are thinking of you.” Prayer is one of our biggest defenses to the enemy. Even declaring the name of Jesus causes darkness to flee. Like mentioned earlier, we have so much power and authority in Christ. We have been given a spirit of power and can use this weapon at any time! Praying specifically and constantly for your marriage is so important.

Ellie Holcomb has a song called Fighting Words (her album is linked at the end of this post). In the song, she fights the lies with truth, scripture. As wives and moms, we must be in the word daily. We must have it written among our hearts and our lives. God has spoken to us and we must know what He says! Choosing specific verses to claim and reclaim over our lives is so important. Here are a few verse that encourage me.

• “For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” 1 Peter 2:9
• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
• “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8
• “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 41:10
• “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

So..I didn’t marry the wrong person?

A quick answer is no. How do you know Brooke? Because you married them. Besides, the person you married years ago is different than the person they are today. We are to grow and change while staying committed.

The reason I sat down to write this article was because I needed to read this. I needed to be reminded of the importance of my role as a wife and also that it is, unfortunately, not about me. I know there is another girl out there somewhere struggling with this lie from hell. Unfortunately, this lie has broken up marriages, caused affairs, and caused pain for children.

Sisters, we must be reminded of our eternal purpose as a wife and that we can do this through Christ! If you need to talk more or have any questions, hit the “say hey” tab above. I’d love to talk to you and encourage you, friend.

With so much love,